


Don’t Fall, Don’t Fade Away

by STARSdidathing



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asgardian Tony Stark, Bring tissues, Canon Divergence - Thor (2011), Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Identity Issues, Insecurity, Loki & Tony Stark Friendship, Loki (Marvel) Angst, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Gets a Hug, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki's Jotun Reveal, Love, M/M, Ouch, Poor Loki (Marvel), Protective Tony Stark, Requited Unrequited Love, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-29 16:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13930455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/STARSdidathing/pseuds/STARSdidathing
Summary: When Loki has almost attacked Jotunheim, when Loki is hanging over the side of the rainbow bridge, when Loki looks ready to let go; Anthony can only kneel before his closest friend and beg him not to fall into the void.Or, if Anthony Howardson the best friend of Loki had existed during the events of Thor 1.





	Don’t Fall, Don’t Fade Away

**Author's Note:**

> I have wanted to write a story around this premise for a while. Just had to get the right motivation for it. *rubs hands together gleefully* And I finally managed it.
> 
> Bring some tissues, darlings, this is going to be a heartacher XD

The rainbow bridge was damaged, Jotunheim had barely escaped a lethal beam of energy colliding with it and Loki was dangling from the edge of the bridge after a fight with Thor. He looked as if he didn’t know why he was even bothering to hold onto Gungnir and it was the most terrifying thing Anthony had ever seen.

Anthony was almost leaning over the bridge in order to stare at his closest friend. He was kneeling beside the Allfather who was gripping Thor who had the end of the spear held tight in his hand. The anger that had been wrapped around Loki from the moment Anthony had reached the bridge was gone, in its place was nothing but pain and grief and a petrifying chasm of hopelessness.

“Loki, don’t, please-” Anthony begged, his voice raw and his heart in his throat. 

The prince’s green eyes flicked to him and held his gaze. Anthony prayed to the Norns that it was enough to convince Loki to stay.

Anthony had been friends with Loki for most of his life. They’d played pranks on the court together, they’d spent days in the royal library studying their respective crafts and chatting excitedly. They’d sparred together, they’d gotten drunk off wine in Loki’s quarters together; they were two halves of a whole and Anthony didn’t know what he would do if Loki left him now.

They had known for decades that there was more than just friendship in their hearts, but they’d always ignored the truth and pretended it didn’t exist. Loki wished to be King and to do that, he would need a Queen. They couldn’t begin something that would only be forced to end in heartbreak and pain, so they had remained close and trusted friends instead of ever allowing themselves to become anything more.

Yet it had not changed the love that burned in Anthony's heart.

Anthony had stood by Loki’s side and supported him when he’d become the rightful, if unexpected, King of Asgard, but there had been few others who had done the same. So many of the Aesir had whispered about betrayal and lies, but Anthony had stood firm, as he always had throughout their long friendship.

He’d stood by with worried eyes as Loki became increasingly fractured and lost, as if a vital part of his soul had been shaken lose.

He’d rested a hand on Loki’s shoulder when he found the man trembling in his rooms and staring at his arm with lingering horror. He’d ignored his own pain when Loki flinched at his touch and shook it off, when Loki had lashed out at any person who came too close; using sharp words and bitter rage. Anthony had instead argued back; refusing to let his friend’s verbal attacks push him away. He knew that Loki wasn’t well, that something had happened to him and therefore, despite Loki's attempts to force it, Anthony had refused to turn his back on his friend or leave him.

Nor would Anthony let Loki leave _him_ , not like this; hanging over a bridge and with the void beneath him. It was why Anthony begged his friend for the first time in his life. He pleaded with all of his heart for Loki to listen to him about this, if nothing else.

_Please don’t let go, please don’t do this, **please** , Loki._

Anthony held his friend’s eyes, his heart pounding so hard he felt he would be sick. His nails were digging into the side of the bridge; his body tight with tension and fear. Anthony almost felt as if he would fall over the edge too if Loki didn’t listen. He would certainly fall _apart_ if Loki was forever lost to the void beneath him.

... But when Loki closed his eyes and his hand tightened on the spear, Anthony felt such relief flood through him that he felt he would collapse.

Anthony let out a shaky breath that matched the one the Allfather expelled before the two of them hauled the two princes back onto the bridge. 

The moment that Loki was back on solid ground, Anthony was reaching for him and pulling Loki into his arms, holding the mage as close as physical possible, trying to tether Loki even further to the living as Anthony trembled with lingering fear. Loki only clung back, his fingers clutching at Anthony and bunching in the back of his shirt. The prince buried his face in Anthony’s neck and sucked in a greedy breath, only to let it out in a raw, pained sound that Anthony never wanted to hear again in his life.

“Come, we must leave here,” Odin spoke gently, his hand coming to touch Loki’s shoulder.

Loki flinched away so violently that it shocked Anthony, but the mage just pulled his face away from Anthony’s neck, to snarl at the Allfather, “Do _not_ touch me.”

Odin recoiled slightly at the venom behind the words, looking incredibly old and tired in that moment. Thor just looked confused and upset, like a child who was suddenly so very, very lost.

But Loki didn’t look at either of them for long; instead he shifted even closer to Anthony and closed his eyes. His forehead came to rest on Anthony’s shoulder while his fingers dug in even deeper as if he was afraid Anthony would suddenly be taken away from him.

Anthony just brought a hand up to cup the back of Loki’s head, running soothing fingers in the strands of the prince’s hair. It was a gesture he had often bestowed on Loki whenever the other man was upset. Loki just made a small noise and shuddered before shifting his face back into the protection of Anthony’s neck. Loki’s grip on Anthony didn’t loosen throughout this, as if he still feared Anthony parting from him. It made a part of Anthony ache and he shifted his head just a little to whisper his promise by Loki’s ear, “I will not leave you, Loki.” 

The words were meant to be a comfort, but they had the unintended effect of making Loki flinch violently only for his body to go painfully tense a moment later. Loki barely seemed to be breathing and Anthony didn’t understand his reaction.

The response that Loki followed it with only doubled Anthony’s confusion as well as the pain in his heart.

“Do not promise me that, Anthony,” Loki’s voice sounded raw, filled with an emotional agony that Anthony couldn’t comprehend. “I cannot-”, he stopped, seeming to choke on the words and Loki’s next breath came out rough. It took him a long moment to compose himself only to whisper, “You are my friend.” Anthony felt the barest brush of lips against his neck and something wet as if tears were being shed. Loki’s voice was wrecked. “I will miss you.”

Anthony’s heart lurched and when Loki tried to pull away, he clung to the other man. “Loki? What are you-”

“Speak with Frigga,” Loki murmured, continuing to draw away while keeping his eyes lowered so he couldn’t catch Anthony’s gaze. “You, above all else, deserve to know.” His eyes briefly raised, anguished and red-rimmed. Loki’s hand lifted and he lightly pressed two fingers to Anthony’s cheek, resignation and misery written across his face. “My dear one, I am sorry.”

Loki didn’t say another word; he turned his head away and pulled out of Anthony’s slackened hold to stand. Anthony stayed kneeling, looking up at Loki with confusion and worry as Loki kept his eyes on his feet and started walking down the bridge and towards Asgard. He was quickly flanked on either side by Odin and Thor who were watching Loki warily as if afraid he might leap off the bridge at any moment.

Anthony was stuck for a long moment, frozen from uncertainty and shock. Loki’s touch still seemed to burn the skin of his cheek even after the prince had long since moved away. When Anthony forced himself to stand and follow after the royal family some moments later, it took him running slightly to catch up and walk behind them. 

Thor looked over his shoulder, sending Anthony a wounded, devastated look that Anthony couldn’t fathom. He had no idea what was happening but he knew only one person who could explain: _speak with Frigga._

Anthony found a new fear rushing through him as he looked at the back of Loki’s bowed head. What could Loki have learned that had changed everything so drastically?

* * *

Loki had been led to the throne room by the Allfather and Thor and while Anthony had tried to follow, he’d been firmly but politely told he was not allowed to be present. Anthony had only been able to nod at the command from the King, but before the doors had closed on him, he’d seen Loki look over his shoulder at Anthony.

His eyes had been filled with nothing but sorrow and regret and he looked at Anthony as if he never expected to see him again. The expression sliced into Anthony’s heart, but the doors were shutting and Anthony had no means of assuring his friend and repeating his promise: _I will not leave you._

Anthony had spent the better part of an hour pacing nervously outside the doors of the Great Hall, worried for Loki and whatever was being discussed. Anthony knew that Loki’s attempted attack on Jotunheim would require punishment, but as it had been thwarted, surely Loki would not gain more than chastisement and a mild sentence? Surely, Loki, as acting King, could not be banished or executed for so small an action that had amounted to no damages or loss of life? Jotnar were the hated enemies of the Aesir, surely the prince’s actions could be excused?

_Then why did Loki seem so haunted and so certain of a painful fate?_

Anthony didn’t know, but he spent the entire time he was waiting unable to shake his mind from how Loki had looked; the fear and resignation, the pain and desolation. Loki looked as if he had lost all hope and as if he truly believed Anthony would turn his back on the mage. 

It made Anthony want to pull Loki back into his arms. He wanted to brush soft kisses over Loki’s anguished features until they were soothed. He wanted to remind his friend that nothing and no one had ever dragged Anthony from Loki’s side, and that Anthony did not intend to let that change today.

Anthony had loved Loki for decades, and there was not a force in the universe that could make him stop. He didn’t know how Loki could doubt him.

It was as he was trying to work out what could possibly have battered Loki’s confidence in their friendship so severely that the door to the Great Hall opened. He straightened and raised his head; his risen hopes falling when Loki wasn’t revealed, but instead it was the Allmother. Her face looked strained even as she offered Anthony a faint, relieved smile and walked towards him.

She had always been kind to Anthony over the centuries; aiding him when Loki was in a foul mood and Anthony was unaware of the cause, inviting him to events so that he and Loki could spend time together, refusing to let Anthony stand on ceremony whenever he found himself alone with the Queen. 

There was a glint of magic to the air as she came closer, hinting at a silencing spell being placed around them. When she reached him, Frigga offered her hands to him and Anthony didn’t hesitate to take them in his own.

“Queen Frigga,” he greeted, but it was scarcely a breath later before a flow of questions was spilling out, impossible to keep inside: “What of Loki? What happened? Is he well? Where is he?”

“He has been sentenced for his attempted attack on Jotunheim and for helping the Jotnar to cross our borders.” 

Anthony couldn't stop his flinch at the listed crimes. He’d known of Loki’s plan to keep Thor from the throne--there were few things that they did not share--but he had not realised his deception had been discovered. 

Frigga didn’t mention his reaction to the words, rather, her attention was on their hands as she continued, her voice carrying a very thin waver. “He has been taken to his rooms where he will be confined for the duration of his sentence. His permitted visitors are his family,” she swallowed thickly, “and yourself.”

The answer made Anthony want to rush to his friend’s room and see Loki; to speak with him, to confirm once more that he was on Asgard and _alive._ Anthony also wanted to further assure the prince that he wouldn’t be going anywhere; he would stay with Loki all night if he needed to.

Some of his intent must have shown on his face as Frigga’s hands tightened on his and it made Anthony look back at her from where his gaze had travelled in the direction of Loki’s part of the palace.

Her eyes were filled with an anguish that shot a bolt of fear down Anthony’s spine. _Speak with Frigga_ , Loki’s pained words floated back to his mind, _you, above all else, deserve to know._

Anthony felt true trepidation flood him as he looked at the Queen whose gaze showed guilt, sadness and a hint of true terror. She was holding onto Anthony’s hands the same way that Loki had clung to him as if fearful of him disappearing.

“What have I not been told?” He asked worriedly. “What does Loki believe I deserve to know?”

_What does he fear me learning?_

Frigga’s eyes fell closed and her shoulders dropped; she looked as if a situation she had long dreaded had been placed before her and she wished it wasn’t true.

“Oh, Anthony,” she whispered, a faint tremble to her voice. “Please do not hate him. You are the only one who kept him from being lost to us. Please, I beg you; do not turn your back on him. It does not change who he is: he is still our Loki; your friend and my son.”

“I do not understand,” Anthony murmured, looking at her with confusion. “What is different about Loki?”

Squeezing his hands so tightly that it almost hurt, Frigga could barely hold his eyes as she started to explain.

Anthony could only stand in shock, his body going slowly numb as she explained the truth about Loki and how he had discovered it.

Frigga told him with heartbreak in her eyes that Loki had learned that he was adopted and that he was a Jotun.

* * *

After everything was revealed to him, Anthony had stumbled away from Frigga and she had let him go without argument, eyeing him mournfully.

Anthony had been shocked and he had needed to be away from her; to try to comprehend the idea that his best friend was one of the Jotnar.

Loki’s words - his anger, fear and panic all made sudden, perfect sense. Loki had been agonised to learn he was a frost giant and he had despaired that his heritage, once exposed, would cause Anthony to despise him the same way that the Aesir had always been taught to despise their enemy. And yet, despite that obvious fear that Anthony would reject him, Frigga had told Anthony--with her hurt and grief impossible to hide--that the only person Loki would currently accept as a visitor to his chambers was Anthony. 

_I will miss you_ , it was Loki’s wrecked voice on the bridge that was running through his mind. It was Loki’s certainty that once Anthony found out the truth he would have nothing more to do with the prince. It was the way Anthony could think of nothing else but how Loki must feel, alone and lied to by his family. It was the way that not even this could shake Anthony’s love for his friend.

It was all of those reasons and more that had Anthony leaving Frigga to make his way directly to Loki’s rooms.

He did hesitate briefly when he reached the prince’s door, staring at a place that had always been familiar and comforting to him, but now seemed foreign and unnerving. 

_But he is still Loki_ , Anthony told himself, _and he should not be alone._

Swallowing, Anthony gripped the door and pushed it open. The room was dark, the windows closed and only the flames on the wall as a light to guide the way, but Anthony knew the room as well as he knew his own home. It could have been pitch black and Anthony would have found his path easily.

Anthony shut the door behind him and stepped further inside, scanning the room for his friend but when there was no sign of the prince, he continued until he could reach Loki’s bedchambers. He spotted the mage in an instant; Loki was curled up at the foot of his bed, his arms around his legs, his forehead resting on his knees and his body incredibly tense.

He had to be aware Anthony was there, but he didn’t move and he didn’t speak.

Anthony didn’t know what he had expected: blue skin? Red eyes? But it was the same Loki; the same best friend he’d spent years laughing and exploring the realms with. It was the mage he’d raided the library with and devised mischievous pranks with. It was his prince, his friend and his love and all Anthony could see was that Loki was vulnerable and in pain.

Stepping closer, Anthony ignored the way Loki only seemed to stiffen further. Anthony just turned enough so that he could slowly sit down beside Loki, letting their sides brush as he adopted a similar position to the prince but with his legs laid out before him. Anthony then brought his arm to hover above Loki’s shoulders, but he didn’t let himself hesitate for long as he lowered it to curl around his friend.

It took a long moment before Loki let out a shuddering breath, his fingers still gripping his legs tightly like he was afraid to let go or look up and realise it was all an illusion.

“Frigga told me,” Anthony whispered, feeling the way Loki cringed away from him. It made Anthony start to soothingly rub Loki’s arm. Anthony knew that nothing about the situation was simple or easy and that it would take time for both of them to move past this but, it still didn’t change Anthony’s promise from the bridge and he repeated it firmly, “But, I’m still not leaving you, Loki.”

Loki let out a small noise like a choked-off sob and Anthony just used the arm around Loki to pull him further into the warmth and comfort of Anthony’s body. Loki didn’t even resist, falling into the tug until he was leaning against Anthony. The mage let out a harsh breath, his arms still around his legs in a defensive curl. 

“You know what I am now,” Loki whispered, his voice rough as if screams of anger and rage had scraped it raw.

“You are my friend,” Anthony answered, his voice unwavering. “That will _never_ change.”

Loki didn’t move for a long moment, but when he did, it was as if all reservations and resistance had fled. He shifted with purpose, turning completely into Anthony’s hold so he could bury his face in Anthony’s chest. He gripped Anthony’s shirt like a lifeline and all but crawled into his lap. Anthony just wrapped his arms around the other man's back and kept him close and secure in a circle of arms that weren’t about to reject him or let him go.

* * *

They stayed curled up together for an age, Anthony couldn’t have said exactly how long, but he did know that Loki fell into a soft doze, and after everything that had happened in the last few days, Anthony couldn’t blame him.

It did give Anthony time to think and mostly about what this would mean for their friendship.

Anthony had been taught like every Aesir to hate the Jotnar. He’d never fought them in battle, but he had been told the same horror stories growing up. 

...Yet, Anthony had studied enough about the different races to acknowledge that not everything that was said about them was likely true. They had to have a society and intelligence to form a powerful enough race to threaten the ruling of the Aesir. It meant that, monstrous though parts of them might be, it didn’t mean that _Loki_ was the monster of their children’s stories.

The truth, Anthony quickly found, was that apart from handed down stories and tales of triumphant battles, Anthony didn’t know anything about the Jotnar. Which... really needed to change, for him and for Loki if they were going to accept this new part of him. They couldn’t ignore Loki’s heritage and proving there was nothing wrong with Loki--maybe even with his species--was the path that they needed to take.

The lies, the truth of Loki’s birth parents and the abduction into the house of Odin... that would all need to be addressed too, but the anger and grief Anthony felt on behalf of Loki was only shadowed by his worry and fear for the mage’s state of mind.

He had been ready to attack Jotunheim, ready to fall into the void. Loki had believed there was nothing left for him in the world and knowing that terrified Anthony to his core. Because no matter what had happened, no matter the truth of who and what Loki was, Anthony still cared for Loki more than anyone else, and Anthony knew he would be lost without his friend beside him.

The thought made Anthony tighten his hold on Loki instinctively; still fearful of losing him. The feeling however roused Loki who began to stir. His head shifted slightly on Anthony’s chest only for him to freeze a moment later. He pulled back and lifted himself to stare up at Anthony with astonishment in his gaze.

“You are truly here,” Loki murmured, his voice filled with nothing but disbelief, but his eyes were wide with hope and longing. His hand was griping Anthony’s shirt so tightly that his nails were digging into Anthony’s skin.

Looking at Loki’s desperation and distrust, Anthony felt nothing but an ache in his heart, and he couldn’t keep that from his voice, no matter how much he tried, “Did you believe I would not stay?”

“I did not believe you had come at all,” Loki confessed, his words rushing out even as his green eyes darted over Anthony’s face as if searching for the seam that would unravel the spell.

 _Oh Loki_ , Anthony’s mind whispered painfully. “You thought me an illusion.”

“A desperate wish,” Loki admitted only to close his eyes and let out a rough laugh. When he opened them again, the prince’s gaze had dropped to stare at his own hand which he slowly loosened from its tight grip on Anthony’s shirt. He started smoothing the material out a moment later, but he still kept his hand pressing against Anthony’s breastbone once he'd finished. When he continued speaking, Loki’s voice was small and heartbreakingly honest, “I was certain you would no longer wish to know me.”

“Never, Loki,” Anthony told him fiercely. “You will _always_ be my friend. I do not care where you are from, I only care that you are _here_.”

Loki’s mouth opened as if he wanted to say something, but he seemed to not know the words, his eyes were back to flicking over Anthony’s face helplessly, his every vulnerability plain to see. Loki’s many masks were nothing but shattered shards at his feet. 

But in the end, Loki just closed his eyes, a shudder wracking through him as if he was trying to hold in a sob. The hand on Anthony’s chest slid up to cup the brunet’s neck before Loki pressed their foreheads together. Anthony just kept one arm around Loki’s back while the other cupped his neck in turn. He also promised him once more, “I will not leave you, Loki.”

Loki shivered again, but he didn’t move away, nor did he let Anthony go. They stayed there for a long time, breathing each other’s breath and letting the touch of their foreheads anchor them to each other. Loki was the one who eventually pulled them apart, causing Anthony to open his eyes. Loki still lingered close, the mage’s hand becoming damp and tense on Anthony’s neck. 

Loki’s words were spoken carefully, but there was an open, defenceless terror that was impossible to shake from his emerald eyes. “What did Frigga tell you of me?” 

Anthony hesitated, if only because of the way Loki watched him; it was not just fear but depression and resignation. It made Anthony believe that Loki wasn't merely waiting to discern how much Anthony knew, but that Loki believed something had been omitted from Frigga’s tale, as if he expected that to be the only reason for their friendship surviving.

Stroking his thumb soothingly over Loki’s neck, Anthony summarised as carefully as he could, hoping that Loki's fear would not come to pass and that Frigga had indeed told him everything. 

“She told me of your birth parents and of how you were found and brought into the house of Odin as an infant.” Anthony felt Loki cringe but kept going. “She told me you did not know the truth but that you discovered it on Jotunheim and confirmed it upon returning to Asgard.” 

Loki’s eyes flicked away, seemingly unconsciously, in order to stare at the hand by his side. He clenched it in a fist even while misery and horror haunted his eyes. Anthony just wanted to pull Loki back into the safety of his arms; to hold him close and try to help him weather the pain and the betrayal.

Anthony knew he couldn’t do it yet, not until he was finished and Loki was satisfied with his answer. Licking his lips nervously, Anthony finished, “She also told me of your crimes and of your punishment. She told me that you look as you do through the Allfather's glamour.”

Loki’s eyes finally moved from his hand to look back at Anthony; unsure, hollow and hopeless. It was a look that Anthony wanted to erase. It was why he just encouraged Loki to shift forward, ignoring the mage’s hesitance until Anthony could press their foreheads together once more. 

“But what she has told me does not change our friendship,” Anthony told him softly. “I swear to you, Loki, by the Norns and by any other power in this universe; you are and you always will be my dearest and most cherished friend.”

Loki sucked in a shaky breath and for a long moment he did nothing, but eventually, _finally_ all the tension and uncertainty seemed to rush out of him. Loki also shifted, burying his face in Anthony’s neck and wrapping his arms around Anthony in a tight hug that Anthony didn’t hesitate to return. It was a desperate, relieved gesture as Loki clung to him like the only safe port in a storm. Anthony just ran soothing hands up and down Loki’s back, offering him all the support, comfort and assurance his friend so desperately needed.

Anthony knew that Loki had become all but lost after his failure to attack Jotunheim; his anger and perceived purpose leaving him abruptly until he was shaking, terrified and adrift. He needed someone to support and stand by him now more than ever, and Loki only confirmed the depth of his raw, unguarded state when he requested, his voice nothing more than a hopeful whisper, “ _Stay_.”

Anthony shifted in order to look down at his friend; Loki had his eyes closed, his face still pressed near Anthony’s neck. He refused to look at Anthony, but he did repeat himself, “Stay here...” he swallowed, before adding even quieter, “with me.”

Anthony blinked before clarifying gently, “You wish for me to stay tonight?”

Loki didn’t answer verbally but he did give a small nod of his head. The action, the open show of vulnerability by asking Anthony to remain - it pulled at every one of his heartstrings. Anthony couldn’t stop himself from brushing his mouth against the top of Loki’s head in affection and comfort both. “Then I will stay, Loki.”

Loki just let out a soft sigh before saying, so softly that Anthony almost didn’t hear it: “Thank you.”

The words themselves were filled with emotion and conveyed more than just Anthony staying for the night; it involved him staying _permanently_ as a friend and companion. 

_Always, my Loki_ , Anthony thought but didn’t say. _I love you too much to let anything ever tear us apart._

* * *

That night they slept in Loki’s bed.

His friend had curled up around him under the covers with his head resting on Anthony’s chest. It was one of the few times they had ever slept this way but they had done it with little thought or hesitance, not once it became obvious that Loki still wanted him near.

The next morning they had remained in bed for an hour, talking softly as Loki slowly began to admit everything that had happened since his expedition with Thor to Jotunheim. Loki kept his attention on Anthony’s chest, playing with the night shirt that the prince had lent him.

Loki spoke with anger, with devastation and with tears sliding down his cheeks. He poured out everything that had happened, including why he had both tried to push Anthony away as well as pull him close when he’d been reigning as King. Loki had believed that Anthony should not be friends with a monster, yet feared Anthony leaving him all the same.

When Loki finally finished, he was emotionally exhausted and ended up falling asleep resting on Anthony’s chest. Anthony had just stroked a hand through Loki’s hair as he slept.

But while their morning together had cleared the air - while it had given Loki a chance to express all his heartache and shown Anthony’s unwavering loyalty - it had quickly became apparent that Loki still feared Anthony disappearing.

Loki had refused to let Anthony out of his sight for days, constantly reaching out to touch him as if to prove to himself that Anthony was not an illusion.

It meant that for the next two weeks, Anthony remained in Loki’s chambers and shared the prince's bed.

Anthony both comforted and disagreed with Loki when he was in the pits of self-hatred and calling himself a monster. He weathered the moments where Loki’s rage took control and his seidr attacked everything in the room but Anthony. He also sat with Loki late at night, talking softly about learning more of the Jotnar, and despite Loki rejecting and looking uncomfortable at the prospect at first, he was slowly beginning to consider it.

Frigga had also been making requests to see Loki each day since he’d been confined to his rooms; letters that were rejected outright by Loki for the first week and hesitantly read during the second. It wasn’t until the seventeenth day since his sentencing that Loki finally agreed to the meeting. Anthony had taken the opportunity to return to his home and check on his projects. He also refreshed himself and packed some additional clothing and books with him should Loki wish for him to stay with him longer. 

When Anthony had made his way back to Loki’s chambers a few hours later however, it was to find Frigga long gone and the room completely destroyed.

Anthony had stared with wide eyes for a long moment before cautiously stepping inside and shutting the door behind him. Loki’s fury and magic had been used numerous times over the last two weeks to attack his room, but this was the first time he had been able to burn out all his anger as opposed to being calmed down by Anthony.

This time, with no one to hold him back, there was little left but rubble. 

Stepping around what had once been an armchair, Anthony picked his way through the main room before making his way to Loki’s bedchambers, fairly sure that he would find the mage there - and he wasn’t wrong.

This room, at least, had escaped much of the damage with only a few shattered ornaments being thrown against the wall. 

Loki was sitting on the bed this time; cross-legged and looking despondently at something in his hands. He didn’t even glance up when Anthony cautiously approached.

“Loki?” he asked softly. 

The prince clenched his jaw but he still didn’t look at Anthony, rather, he abruptly and tensely spoke with words that sounded as if they had been repetitively and painfully rehearsed, “I know you have desired your freedom. You have no need to stay trapped in this room with me like an additional prisoner.” He paused, seeming to grind his teeth before forcing out, “I release you from my earlier request.”

 _Stay with me_ , Anthony’s mind filled in, remembering the whispered words from weeks ago. 

Slowly placing the items he had brought with him onto the ground, Anthony took a single step closer. “You know I would not stay here if I did not wish to, Loki.”

Loki scoffed, glaring down at the item in his hands. “I do not need your pity, Anthony.”

“And what of my company and friendship?” Anthony parried. “Am I not allowed to offer that?” Loki stayed silent, unable or unwilling to refute it. Anthony just continued to step closer as he softly added, “I am happy to stay for as long as you wish it, Loki.”

Loki laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant sound, it was harsh and full of bitterness and his hand clenched around whatever he was clutching. Anthony was almost at the foot of the bed and he soon spotted what it was, surprise rushing through him. It was an ornament that Anthony had crafted for Loki almost two centuries ago. It was an image of the mage standing in battle armour with a dagger in one hand and seidr curling around the other.

“I had not thought you kept that,” Anthony murmured.

His words just caused the prince to let out another broken chuckle. “Why would I ever discard it?” Loki answered him, sounding tired and sad as he softly ran a finger over the face of the statue. “You crafted it for me, Anthony.” His mouth almost twitched into a smile. “It was the one item I could not destroy. It was the one item that not even my rage could make me damage.”

Loki closed his eyes when he finished; drawing in a deep breath only to open them once more on his exhale. He stared at the item for a long moment while turning it over in his hands. When Loki eventually spoke, the words were entirely unexpected and carefully devoid of emotion; “I will never be King of Asgard.”

Anthony stiffened subtly, but Loki wasn’t finished. “I could be King of Jotunheim as Odin no doubt wished me to be.” He made a small sound of anger and disgust; the emotions blazing through his emerald eyes. “Son of Laufey,” he hissed the words. “A lifetime I have spent believing I could have what I want.” He chuckled again, that same dark, wrecked sound as he stared at the old ornament. “A lifetime of lies leaving me with nothing I desire within reach.”

Anthony didn’t know what to say or how to comfort his friend. He’d known for centuries how much Loki craved recognition from the Allfather; how much he wanted to be seen as _worthy_ of the throne. Loki wanted to stand as more than just the dark shadow behind his golden brother.

But his heritage changed everything and it left Asgard’s throne completely out of his grasp, and not even Anthony could deny that.

Yet, despite Anthony’s mind catching on and trying to solve that particular heartache, he missed the other one that was plaguing Loki - or at least, he would have, if Loki hadn’t quietly continued; all the fight draining from him.

“Had I known the throne would never be mine,” Loki whispered, stroking a trembling finger over the ornament’s seidr, “I would have...” but he trailed off, huffing out a small, dejected sound and closing his eyes. “But now you have an even greater reason not to choose me as your lover.”

Anthony snapped his attention to Loki, his eyes widening, but Loki’s gaze was once more locked on Anthony’s gift from centuries before. 

“I chose the throne over you and I should never have done that,” he continued, letting out a shaky sigh as he touched the carved form of his horned helmet. “But perhaps it was for the best.” He smiled weakly. “I retain your friendship regardless of what I am. I cannot imagine I would have been so fortunate had you discovered yourself to be laying with a monster.”

Anthony’s heart was racing and he barely felt as if he could draw in a breath. “Loki...”

The prince just shook his head, one hand lifting slightly as he made a dismissive gesture with his fingers. It was as if he was wiping away Anthony’s need to respond, yet he still refused to look at his friend, focusing intently on the ornament instead.

“You did not think I kept this,” Loki told him quietly. “But how could I not?” He held the item like a cherished possession, like there was nothing else in the world he prized more. “It was proof that you had once loved me.”

The words took a long moment to sink into Anthony, but when they did, he was moving. Anthony climbed onto the bed and knelt before the other man. Loki was startled into looking up at him; wide-eyed and defenceless with none of his emotional shields or masks present. He stared at Anthony with nothing but depressed resignation; his heart was in Anthony’s hands and Loki was merely waiting for it to be politely but firmly handed back to him.

Loki was waiting for Anthony to reject him.

But Anthony didn’t do that, he _couldn't_ \- instead he cupped the other man’s neck and pressed their mouths together in a kiss; their _first_ kiss after centuries of love and longing that had never been given the chance to be expressed.

The sound Loki made was broken and pained. He dropped the ornament instantly in order to cling to Anthony’s shirt and pull him closer. He kissed Anthony back desperately and as if he expected Anthony to vanish.

Anthony just moved his hands up to cup Loki’s cheeks, softening the kiss from frantic need to a deep, unwavering and tender love that Anthony had spent centuries forcing himself to suppress.

This time, Loki made a small agonised whimper and brought his hands to Anthony’s neck; holding him close as they spent long minutes indulging in a slow, shivering exploration of each other. It was something that only ended when they needed to draw breath, yet they still lingered close, their foreheads lightly pressing together while their noses brushed in gentle affection. Loki’s eyes were still shut as if he dared not bring himself to open them.

“You cannot still want me,” Loki eventually whispered, his voice sounding wrecked. “You _cannot_.”

Anthony just smiled sadly and chastely kissed the other man’s lips. He felt Loki try to trail after him when he pulled away, but Anthony just brushed his thumbs over Loki’s cheeks and held him in place. “Of course, I can, my Loki. It will take far more than this to make me cease loving you.”

Loki’s eyes snapped open; they were a turbulent sea of emotions, but the terrified, unmasked yearning within them was what constricted Anthony’s heart the most. Loki’s hand came up, his fingers lightly pressing against Anthony’s cheek in a mirror of when they were on the bridge. “My dearest,” he whispered with aching sorrow and disbelief, “not even you can overlook this.”

Anthony just shook his head. “You are still Loki,” he assured him, stroking his friend’s cheeks and holding his gaze. “You are the one I have known and loved for centuries. You are my friend who I could not bear to live without. This does not change who you are.” Anthony paused but only to kiss Loki; chaste and loving before promising against the seam of his mouth; “It does not and could not, change the way that I love you.”

It took time, it took many seconds were the air felt tense and Anthony's heart felt heavy - but when Loki finally smiled, Anthony felt it tremble against his lips. Loki's hand shook as well as he cupped Anthony’s cheek fully. Loki whispered against his skin with soft adoration and lingering incredulity, “My dearest Anthony," he gave an incredulous laugh. "I should never have made you wait.”

Shaking his head again, Anthony assured him, “To have you now is worth any wait.”

Loki expression looked caught, fighting between the happiness of acceptance and the lingering fear and denial of uncertainty. It made Anthony act before the other man could; kissing Loki again and gaining Loki’s instinctive response and instant encouragement. 

It was easy for further conversation to quickly be forgotten as they pressed close to one another and kissed slowly and tenderly. Anthony also moved forward to straddle Loki’s lap while Loki’s hands skimmed over his back with a need to touch.

They kissed until their cheeks were flushed and their lips were swollen and tingling. They kissed until they had little breath left in their lungs and their smiles were wide and matching when they pulled apart. They also ended up lying back on the bed with their arms wrapped around each other and Anthony lightly nuzzling Loki’s chest. They stayed that way without compliant or a wish to disrupt the moment - not until Loki tilted up Anthony’s chin, wanting another kiss and being happily welcomed and accepted by Anthony.

That afternoon wasn’t about deepening their embraces or the physicality of their relationship; it was about enjoying the moment and revelling in the awareness that despite centuries, arguments and revealed secrets, neither of them had ever been able to fall out of love.

* * *

Waking up the next morning was like any other morning since Loki's imprisonment; the two of them were curled around one another under the covers not having shifted away once during the night. The difference was that this time, Anthony could lift his head and press their mouths together in a soft, affectionate kiss.

While Anthony had intended for a chaste peck, Loki was already awake and he cupped Anthony’s cheek in his hand, holding him near and soaking up the sensation of their mouths brushing gently.

When they pulled back, it took Anthony a few blinks to wake up fully, but when he did, he was able to register the expression on Loki's face. It wasn't the contentment he expected, rather, it was tight with tension and sadness and it made Anthony stiffen as he started to try and push up into a sitting position. “Loki-”

But the other man tugged him back down before he could get far, enclosing him in the circle of Loki’s arms and leaving Anthony lying half on top of the prince. It silenced Anthony’s protests momentarily, which was all Loki needed as he started to speak, “Anthony, the Aesir do not yet know the truth of my crimes or of my..." he hesitated, his voice dropping on the word, " _heritage_ \- but they may yet become aware.” 

"Loki-"

"No, Anthony," Loki cut him off and Anthony felt fingers running over his back in a gesture that seemed to be both agitated and nervous. Loki was also staring up at the ceiling, his jaw clenched with determination. “I cannot... I _will not_ see you become tainted by me.”

“Tainted?” Anthony questioned blankly, a sinking feeling already forming in his chest.

Loki licked his lips. “While I am imprisoned, while no one is aware of...”

Pushing up slightly to better look at the man who had trailed off, Anthony asked, “Loki? What are you speaking about?”

Loki’s gaze finally fell to meet Anthony’s. His hands moved so one could tentatively cup Anthony's side and the other his neck. “My status as a prince... I know it made many overlook your friendship with me.” He swallowed. “I know you weathered mockery and sneers that you dismissed but this... this will condemn you, Anthony.” His hand slid up, his fingers delicately caressing Anthony’s cheek like a precious treasure. “I am a monster in more ways than one, my dear.” He smiled sadly, staring at Anthony with the sharpness of regret. “My love, I will not let myself destroy you.”

“Are you...” Anthony could only stare at Loki in astonishment and creeping horror. “Are you ending us before we have even-”

“No,” Loki interrupted, his voice hurried and his hand clenching against Anthony's side as if fearful of Anthony walking away. “No, I,” Loki laughed wretchedly, “I cannot bring myself to give you up entirely. No, I...” he licked his lips. “I am suggesting that we do not... inform others. That we...” his eyes flickered away, “only remain this way while I am under my sentence. While no one will see you with me.”

“You...” Anthony felt his heart clench. “You think I will be ashamed of others knowing you are my lover.”

Loki’s eyes fell from him, unable to look in his eyes. “They will not see me as you do. They will see me as...” _a Jotun_ , the words rested, silent and weighted between them. “You will be mocked," Loki told him roughly, "condemned, ostracised.” His eyes finally came back to Anthony’s and they blazed with determination. “I will not see that happen. I will not see you ruined by me, Anthony. I will _not_.”

Anthony stared at the man lying beneath him for a very long time as he tried to take in what he was being told. Loki was ready to sacrifice his happiness, _their_ happiness on the worry that Anthony would grow to regret and be unable to stay with Loki. It made Anthony feel so many emotions that he didn't even know where to start, but he settled for saying hoarsely, “You utter _fool_.”

Loki instantly frowned at him, looking confused, unhappy and entirely resolved. He was ready to give up everything for _Anthony_ and the devoted, stubborn fool didn't realise that it was something that Anthony didn't need.

So he would need to prove it.

“I will walk out that door today,” Anthony told him, ignoring the brief flare of panic in Loki’s eyes, “and I will tell all of Asgard that you are my lover." He felt Loki stiffen beneath him, but Anthony just continued, holding his friend's gaze. "If they discover your heritage I will still walk out that door and tell them that you are my lover - that being of the Jotnar is unrelated to my affection for you. I will stand by your side every day of your sentence. I will continue to stand by your side in the centuries that follow. I will take what I want, Loki, and Asgard damn me for it, but it will never stop me from keeping _you_.”

“Anthony,” Loki sounded winded as if the words had punched through him. Yet he still tried to protest, “You cannot-” 

Anthony just lent forward and covered Loki’s mouth with his own. It was just enough to muffle and quiet Loki. It was also something the mage couldn't resist as he kissed Anthony back, cupping his face helplessly and keeping him close.

The kiss didn’t last long though as Anthony was soon pulling back in order to stare down at his most cherished and most idiotic friend to tell him, “I can, Loki and I will. If you think the thoughts and words of others will stop me - if you think that I will _ever_ let go of you now that you are mine,” Anthony sighed, smiled and pressed their foreheads together, “then you are being an utter fool, and I will simply have to stay here by your side until you realise you are wrong.”

The words just made Loki close his eyes and shudder out a breath so full of relief that Anthony needed to kiss him again; his lips, his cheek, his jaw and then his lips once more, in order to help make sure that Loki knew he spoke the truth.

When Anthony finished, he moved back down to rest his head on Loki’s chest, his arms wrapped firmly around the mage. Loki’s somewhat shaky hand came to thread through his hair and stroke the strands. 

They stayed in silence for some minutes until Loki broke the quiet to admit, his voice uneven and thick with emotions. “I am stubborn;” he swallowed, “it may take me some time to accept... to _believe_ such words.”

 _It may take some time to accept that you do not care what I am_ ; Anthony translated with the skill of decades beside and loving this man. _It may take some time to believe that you will stay._

The words however made Anthony smile, because it meant that despite his fear, despite his attempts to push Anthony away in misguided selflessness, Loki still wanted to try, and not only that, but Loki had agreed to.

“Then it is a good thing, Loki,” Anthony murmured, “that I have no plans to leave you.”

In response, Loki just let out another breath and for the first time that morning - for the first time perhaps since Anthony had learnt of his heritage; Loki finally started to relax and to trust him.

* * *

Loki’s trust and acceptance that Anthony would not somehow change his mind and leave; it was not solved in a day, and Anthony had not expected it to be.

Loki had been fundamentally betrayed by his family and in the wake of learning the truth, he found it hard to see himself as someone worth loving. He found it difficult to trust Anthony’s word; he also found it difficult to do anything more than kiss Anthony. 

The few times they had attempted more in the weeks that followed--hands sneaking under shirts or arousals brushing through pants--Loki would inevitably flinch away, suddenly remembering what lay beneath his skin and making it impossible for him to continue.

Anthony did not and could not blame him for any of it. He could only attempt to show his dedication and love; to catch Loki’s arm when he tried to pull away--angry and disgusted with himself--and place a kiss on Loki’s temple, whispering: _I will always be here. **This** will always be here, whenever we are both happy for more._

The process of healing was both hindered and helped by Loki’s continued conversations with Frigga, Thor and even on occasion, Odin.

Loki’s chambers were often destroyed in the aftermath and eventually reconstructed when Loki could be inspired or encouraged to fix the damage. It made Anthony believe that fixing the mind and soul of his friend would be much the same process.

Loki needed encouragement and inspiration and someone to help him restore the damage done. It was why Anthony had sought out Queen Frigga and gained her assistance in finding texts on the Jotnar; books that showed them as more than just mindless beasts and despicable monsters.

It took time, but as the weeks turned to months with Anthony all but living in Loki’s chambers with him, the mage finally began to accept both his mother and brother in his presence. He also began to believe that Anthony would continue to love and stay with him, that knowing he was of the Jotnar did not need to change him or their relationship. Because he was still Loki: trickster, mischief-maker, mage, son, brother and friend. 

It was almost six months since their confessions to each other and things were improving, slowly but steadily.

Anthony also had a section of Loki’s chambers to himself; a place that allowed him to work on the projects he’d put to the side in order to focus his attention and time on Loki. 

His attention was currently fixed on some blueprints--trying to sort out why the device wasn’t cooperating with him--when he felt arms wrapping around his shoulders, Loki’s hands were also moving to his chest while his lips came to press against Anthony’s cheek.

Anthony smiled instantly, leaning into the touch and putting down the blueprints as he greeted, “Hello, Loki.”

“Anthony,” Loki murmured softly before encouraging Anthony to turn his head in order for their mouths to catch in a gentle kiss that Anthony sighed into.

He would never tire of this; never tire of the slow kisses, the mornings waking up in bed curled around his love. He would never tire of living with Loki and watching as he began to smile and laugh more genuinely, the way he started to use his seidr for more than just a release of anger. 

The way he had taken to researching the Jotnar with more determination; working with Frigga to track down texts, and gaining Thor’s prompt and unwavering assistance as the Thunderer traversed the realms on his behalf to find the requested books.

Odin had even assisted by calling in a favour with Alfheim to find a rare volume for Loki. When Frigga had presented it and explained what Odin had done, Loki had looked terribly conflicted. She had requested and Loki had allowed her to pass on his gratitude to Odin, even if he had never verbally offered the words. 

The rebuilding of trust, the rebuilding of _Loki_ was still underway, but the foundations were stronger and Loki was becoming _happier_ and it was enough to make Anthony’s heart swell with pride and pleasure for his friend. Anthony would never tire of seeing his beloved continuing to heal.

When their kiss eventually broke, they rested their foreheads together, both of them smiling gently.

“Are you working on something important, Anthony?” Loki enquired after a few moments.

“Nothing I cannot come back to,” Anthony replied. “Why?”

He saw Loki's tongue come to lightly lick his lower lip before his hands slid further down Anthony’s chest, making Anthony's eyes widen in surprise even as his body instinctively reacted.

“I would rather like to steal your attention," the prince teasingly told him.

Anthony swallowed thickly. “You do not need to suggest this to gain it.”

Loki’s smile widened but his eyes remained achingly soft and loving. “Of that I am aware and grateful, my Anthony.” He followed his words up with a chaste kiss to the corner of Anthony’s mouth. “But more than anything else right now,” he continued, his voice a tender whisper, “I want to be with my love. I want to be able to call him my _lover_.” 

Bringing his hands up, Anthony covered Loki’s own, linking their fingers together even as his eyes stayed locked on Loki’s. “On the condition we will stop if you feel even slightly uncomfortable.”

“I will tell you,” Loki vowed, giving a soft nod, and it spoke of how far he had come, how much he _believed_ Anthony’s love and conviction, that he didn’t ask that Anthony promised him the same.

It was that trust and acceptance, more than Loki’s promise, that had Anthony relaxing and kissing Loki again; leaning into the touch and letting it deepen as Loki’s hands trailed over his chest, both exploring and tantalising him.

When they eventually broke apart, Loki was still smiling and he only pulled back and away from Anthony to let him rise from his chair. Loki caught one of Anthony’s hands the moment he could; linking them once again as he led Anthony to the bedchamber - to _their_ bedchamber.

It had excitement rushing through Anthony as well as desire, happiness and _hope_ because with Loki looking at him the way he was now; without demons haunting his eyes, with the same spark of glee that used to always be present, Anthony believed that things were finally beginning to come right again.

He knew that there was still a long road before them, but Anthony could walk it without hesitance or fear; with Loki in his life, by his side and holding his hand, Anthony would follow the mage anywhere. 

Because as long as they were together, Anthony knew they would always find their way.

**Author's Note:**

> The amount of edits some of these scenes gained _my goodness_ , but, well, Loki is more emotional than usual and has _centuries of knowing Anthony_ to make him open up more. Plus a bucket-tonne of Jotun issues. It could make it, heh, _fun_ to write.
> 
> But I'm happy now, and I hope you all liked it too :D
> 
> Thanks for reading! ♥
> 
>  **Hey, everyone!** The lovely  Vara97 has translated this work into Chinese and it can be found at lofter [here](http://lingxiaoshuvara.lofter.com/post/32a172_ef2c070e) if it's a language you or others you know can read and enjoy :D


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